If you want to get up close and personal with the Wex, you have your chance today. We’ve taken a break from working out and flexing in the mirror to help create some awareness for our partners Nau. You can find us out and about Westlake Center in downtown Seattle today rocking the Catwalk Crosswalk with our Nau models.

We just have to say something that may be tough for some people to understand. Stop it, clients! Yeah, we said it. Stop it. Stop trying to have sex with us every time we have a meeting. Stop gazing across the conference table and undressing us with those sexy, intelligent eyes. Do you even know how hard it is to consistently do earth-shattering plans and strategies and creative , only to look up at you and see you ready to pounce like a rabid tiger in heat ? It is unnerving. Look, we know, we get it. We’re hot. We are the most attractive agency you’ve ever worked with. We are smart and witty and sometimes speak with sexy accents even though none of us are from a foreign country, but please. We ask you now nicely. Stop it. Fantasize if you must. We’ll send you some 8 x 10 glossies of the agency presenting some creative boards if you want. But stop it in person. If you want our best, we’re gonna need your best Aretha Franklin. RESPECT. Ok. Thanks.

Prepare to hate your jobs even more than you do now. We have a new space and we think it’s kind of ok. Update on that: It actually kicks complete agency ass. Check back for new photos over the next week with the grand unveiling when we move in.

Great breaking news on the Wexley sports front. We won the Seattle City League co-rec B Division Championship! Being the best is totally the best.

We took our perfect 9-0 record into the playoffs after giving up only six runs all season in a league of panty weight bully magnets who probably never made it past first base in life, let alone the Tuesday Night League. “Should be playing in A,” or at least that’s what our umpire, heretofore known as ‘Creepy Old Guy Who Called Balls And Strikes Based Only On The Batter’s Attractiveness’ , said at our victory cookout on Friday.
It would have been five runs, too, if it wasn’t for ‘The World’s Most Ill-conceived Pick Off Attempt At Second Base’. A.) there are no lead-offs anyway, stupid Jared, and B.) that throw sailed over Jamie’s head and so far into centerfield, the runner on third could have scored after a successful double leg amputation. Performed by a Civil War-era field surgeon. Using a saw blade with teeth as big and sharp as thimbles.
We won our first playoff game on devastating good looks alone. We popped off our shirts to show what four sets of three rep 65-pound lat pull-downs and Monday-Wednesday-Friday’s 90 minutes on the elliptical and can do. Immediately, our cross town rivals peed themselves with glee at our nakedness and then bagged their own inbred heads. We rapped out the mercy rule in two innings.

Game two. Beating this team 10-1 was a lot like making balloon animals for a toddler and then skewering him with a toothbrush prison shiv. Up 8-0 after one, they loaded the bases each of the next five consecutive innings as we used an array of overhand fastballs plunked between the shoulder blades, Bad News Bears pop fly reenactments and four-pitch walks where we pretended the giant graffiti genitalia spray-painted on the backstop was the strike zone. And each inning, those tomato-faced piglets turned their $75.00 trucker hats inside out and squealed “rally cap!”, only to see the next three batters effortlessly mowed down without Bryan even taking his hands out of his pants at second base. They did score two runs on ‘The Stupidest Pitch Of All Time’ from Cal, who thought, with a man on first, he could prove the last batter on their team was a pre op tranny . Cal did out he/she using a watermelon change up. But in doing so, he/she took it so deep, about 400’ and two fences later the ball was still going up.

The Championship Game. This one might have been closer if our pre-game ritual was to rip our opponent’s heads off and suck their brains out through their eye sockets, then mount their lifeless corpses on shower curtain rods at the various field positions and before we played nine innings. 6-0 might look close, but in actuality we scored all six runs by the second and then took turns freebasing from the chalk line marker while rotating in only three field players. The opposition disgracefully forfeited in a pouty pants outburst when the umpire allowed our fielders participate in a King of The Mountain wrestling melee on the pitcher’s mound for the right to strike out their next batter.

We would like to be good sports and thank not only the second place team, but everyone who bowed down at our alter of superiority throughout the season. You made our Tuesday nights just a little more fun.

Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart” video VS. Lissette’s “Eclipse Total del Amore.” Who wins? We ran elements from each video through Wexley’s patented New NEW Super Scientific Ninja Math and found that Bonnie Tyler wins hands down due to her inclusion of leather daddies with the power of a wind machine.

That’s right… Leather daddies with the power of a wind machine beat out the sum of glitter dresses, emotional face cupping, ninjas, possessed choir boys, Lissette and even Bonnie Tyler herself.

We’re not kidding - it’s science. Click on the picture above to check out the equation in detail. We showed our work.

Although we don’t do a whole lot of traditional advertising, we often get requests from ad students to take a look at portfolios of fake ads. These portfolios cost upwards of $35,000 in tuition to create. I know, right? Some of us went to great ad schools like The Creative Circus , so we feel the student’s pain . It can be mind-numbing to spend two years making up a bunch of fake ads about real companies. However, it can be equally mind-numbing to spend quality time to give quality feedback on student work. It’s also tough being a student because we may think something is totally pirate parrot killer (which is really good), and some lifeless hack who spends his business week making Olive Garden ads (which we feel are assaults on society) thinks the student’s work is awful. So these poor kids get mixed direction, and end up doing nothing because they don’t embrace feedback from anyone.

To counter this, we have a simple ask of students. One of our creative directors, Cal McAllister , is a total panty-weight and gets beat up by his nieces and nephews each Christmas. When he returns from Houston, he fantasizes about being a karate expert. Karate is not only Bad A, but totally sexy. So if a student sends him a portfolio, he requests the student take the time to pencil a drawing of him using sexy karate to kick someone’s, or something’s, ass. They should spend about 20 minutes on it, because that’s how long he spends with a portfolio. When they send in the drawing, he reviews their work.

We have around 50 drawings now. Here are the Top Six. Because no one does a Top Six.

This lemming did not commit suicide. Walt Disney pushed it. Seriously. Check Wikipedia .

Oh Walt, how could you?

So, Dancing With the Stars contacted us last week to see if we, as a group, wanted to participate on the next Dancing With the Stars . We asked how we could compete with Apolo Anton Ohno , who is also from Seattle, or Billy Ray Cyrus or Clyde “The Glide” Drexler , or Ian Ziering , who pronounces his own first name wrong. We asked ourselves, “How can Wexley compete in a dance contest with the likes of these freaks of nature?” Our answer was simple: Riverdance . The deal is if you can Riverdance you can basically win any dance competition. It encompasses all dance theory and moves. It is like being a ninja of dancing. The weird thing here is that we are 17 people and really the only way to compete is with some sort of line dance. You can’t ballroom dance with 17 people. You actually can, but then dirty stuff starts happening in the middle where no one can see. Anyhow, we thought of the Macarena or the Electric Slide and all the good oldies but we settled on Riverdance , because that guy was the Lord of the Dance and that rules. Also the girls in Riverdance are kind of hot. So we are being paired up with the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders , which we are really excited about too. This is going to be so much fun. Please watch for us starting in November on ABC . Vote for Wexley .

It’s tough for us to admit this, but we’ve realized we aren’t the best in the world. Sure we are still one of the best in the world, but we have been humbled. Two words: Face Off. Have you seen it lately? Drop what you are doing. Drop your lunch, your kid, your cable knit sweater on the floor and run over to Blockbuster and flippin’ rent it. If you have seen it, watch it again. We forgot what a freaking masterpiece this is, people. And there are so many things right with this movie we could write two blogs about this, but let’s see where we net out in one. Ok, so Face Off - is it better than Star Wars? Much. Is it better than Blue Lagoon? Please. Is it funnier than Fried Green Tomatoes? You decide. This is an epic that has been hidden in the Drama/Action section of your local video store for too long, but no longer. We are here to tell you that this movie has it all. We’re talking three thumbs up! We usually talk about how great we are, and rightfully so, but even Wexley has never performed a successful face transplant. But that’s nothing. There are so many defining moments, like when Nicolas Cage is in a coma, and his face has already been transplanted onto John Travolta’s face, and though he is the world’s number one bad guy, he is totally unguarded and they accidentally left John Travolta’s face in a jar behind a sheet in the same room. So of course Cage comes out of his coma, which by the way is awesome because he has no face but can still hang out and smoke cigarettes and smile and laugh like a villain. It’s like if Osama Bin Laden was captured and left unguarded at County General. We love the logic, “Hey, he’s in a coma and doesn’t have a face, so what’s he gonna do?” Well, stupid bitches, he’s gonna wake up, put on that face they left in the jar beside his bed and continue to crap terror all over the world. The best thing about the movie though is the triple pun slam. THE T.P.S. Basically, you have the name Face Off. And then you have the fact that their faces are actually ripped off. Then you have the fact that they actually face off in several scenes of the movie. It is a pure gem. There are so many levels. There are amazing lines. Cage and Travolta make you believe they are each other with just the wrong faces. It is insane. And it is seriously way better than anything Wexley could ever do. However, we are working on it: Behold Face Off II, where Cage comes back from the dead, rips his face off, finds Travolta, rips his face off and they meet up a dingy smoke-filled pool hall and fight, faceless, then they weirdly make up, then make out and then lead a somewhat normal life as gay, faceless pool hustlers. So, actually maybe we are better than them. We knew it. Wexley is still number one. Sorry for the scare.

Because every product in the world seems to think they need an area of their website called My_______, Wexley School for Girls has decided to be become a real company like them. “We think MyWexley can boost sales 7,000,000%,” says Cal McAllister, co-owner of Wexley . Since Wexley coined the first “My something” 13 years ago, all companies have either started a My_____ or have gone out of business. Scientific studies show this happens within 30 days. “Since we are so much a part of people’s lives, we wanted to get even more personal. MyWexley allows us to get personal with our clients and really let them decide what Wexley means to them. It puts them in the driver’s seat,” added co-owner Ian Cohen. He also briefly stated “We struggled with it early. It was like, MyWexley? If it is their Wexley , then it’s just like giving Wexley away? Then would we have to do a OurWexley.com to get it back? It was tough. Also, since there is a MyCoke , MyMSN , MyWalmart , MyNBA , MyNFL , MyMLB , MyBartellDrugs , MySizzler , MyAddidas (which is original since RUN DMC actually sang about it) MyMcDonalds , MyOliveGarden , MySafeway , MyRedCross , , MyPizzaHut , MyKodak , MyGatewayComputer , MyCrest , MyMidgetWrestlingTour2007 , MyDoritos , MyFritos , MyATT , MyCharmin , MyHomeDepot , MyStaples , MyOfficeMax , MyHonda and the all encompassing MySpace , it was imperative we do it too. So we did and now you will get a piece of us. We did play with: Got’sToHaveWexley.com too and maybe that is next, but we are trying to just get up to speed and make sure we don’t go out of business.” Wexley School for Girls plans to launch MyWexley.com on July 4th, as a tribute to America.