Guns don’t kill people. People who spend $60 to watch 35 cats be tortured by 5 fat mediocre clowns kill people. And cats. And clowns.

This weekend 2 members of Wexley were duped in the biggest scam in the history of the universe. Bigger than Enron. Bigger than Sea Monkeys… the perpetrators? The Moscow Cats Theatre. Dubbed ‘an acrobatic feline wonder,’ we were suckered into the most uncomfortable, painful, unfunny 80 minutes of our lives.

Now we know what you’re thinking, “but your humor is so sophisticated, so high brow, maybe good ol’ Russian humor is below you Wexley.” Come on America! We’re all about poop jokes and laughing at fatties at the beach. But there is nothing funny about a clown pretending that the wind is blowing his umbrella away. Or juggling 3 pins. Three whole pins! And it’s Moscow CAT Theatre, not Moscow CLOWN Theatre! For at least 25 of the 80 minutes there were NO CATS to be seen! We paid for cats!

Ok fine, there were a few highlights. Halfway through the show the one slow, pathetic dog (why he was there was never addressed) did sport a sizable boner. And there was one cat who spun a rave stick. But it was nowhere near what it was cracked up to be. To that point: To the New York Times , Time Out NY , Newsday , People , the New York Post , CBS , and Village Voice , you are all a bunch of liars. We are boycotting all of your publications and demand a written apology and a refund of at least $50 of the $60 we spent on tickets. (We both agreed that the show would have been worth $10 for the cat in the low-rider, the dog lipstick and the cat rave party.)

Additionally, here’s a list of 10 more useful things that $60 could have bought us.
1. Six rubber chickens on leashes
2. One night at the Value Inn on Aurora and a sensual 4 minute massage
3. A star courtesy of starregistry.com
4. A Kenny Rodgers belt buckle
5. 30 deep fried pickles
6. 6 jester hats
7. Pregnancy simulator class
8. 180 Trimspa pills
9. 80% of the empty fetus science class model we’ve both been eying at the Fremont Antique mall
10. 3 gallon jugs of Monarch Vodka