Trip to the beach
As a general rule, we do not take trips to the beach. This may prompt you to ask us, “Then why wear thong bikinis and Speedos to work every day, Wexley?” And we would humbly respond, “Would you drape a towel over a Van Gogh?” And you would have no response. Then we would decide to celebrate your defeat with a trip to the beach. You would then be thinking of new questions like, “You said you didn’t take trips to the beach. What’s up with that, Wexley?” And we would explain to you that we avoid the beach for obvious reasons, like sand, and water, and how they mix together and create sexy little smudges of dirt on our upper thighs that money-grubbing mermaids would shamelessly photograph and sell online. And the mermaid rush would cause the ocean to lower half an inch and lead scientists to think we reversed global warming. And then they would want to have sex with our minds. And the crazy jealous mermaids would fight the scientists for our attention, not knowing we have purposefully avoided mermaids ever since the last one we hung out with broke into our sperm bank and stole our genetics. But as we said, this is a “general” rule, meaning we “generally” don’t go to the beach. But we also “generally” don’t take this much out of our beach time to have hypothetical conversations with people who aren’t even attractive. So anyway, we took a trip to the beach last Friday, and a collection of Puerto Rican sharks wearing leather chaps began a water performance of West Side Story. So we climbed off our sand castle constructed entirely of white sand imported from the Phong Nha-Ke Bang National Park and showed those sharks how real men perform musicals. And our prize for best performance was a collection of all the pearls from the ocean floor. But we hate pearls, because they cover up our awesome clavicles. And that’s why we don’t take trips to the beach.
Tags: beach, mermaid, Phong Nha-Ke Bang, sharks, van gogh, Wexley
August 24th, 2008 at 12:20 am
first- your email tickler included the provocative statement (and I quote) “or because you drank too much coors light this lovely thursday morning.”
My first reaction was that this is a blatant oxymoron, because, like, everyone knows that that it’s a lovely Thursday morning BECAUSE
August 24th, 2008 at 1:00 am
please forgive the previous “comment.” apparently, i hit some key before i finished and… maybe i’ve drunk too much coors light on sat. nite… see below.
1. your teaser email advising me of the existence of this blog included the blatant oxymoron, “or because you drank too much coors light this lovely thursday morning…” upon reflection, i know you’ll agree that everyone knows the reason it’s a lovely thursday morning is BECAUSE we’re drinkin coors light. i mean, DUH!
2. but then it hit me… this is a professional ad agency with professional copywriters… maybe this isn’t a mid-level oxymoron, maybe this is high-grade irony. you know, when the author uses words that mean the exact opposite of their literal meaning. so, then, are you saying that i should be drinking coors light on thursday morning? BTW, are you on a retainer for coors, cause this is makin me thirsty, and i’m thnkin coors all of a sudden, and as you may know we brew heineken over here in amsterdam.
3. re: Trip to the beach- before you declare victory with your humble response, you should know that I have towels draped over most of my Van Goghs for the obvious reason… have you ever heard of UV rays damaging artwork? i mean, DUH!
4. finally: i appreciate your clarification re: “general” rules about going to the beach, talking to people who are not attractive, etc… because “generally” i don’t comment on blogs, but this one is so good i just had to!
next time you’re in amsterdam stop in and say, HI.